Catch the Spin

INTERNAL MEMO: MANDATORY SITE UPDATE EVENT NEXT WEEK (NOTE TIME CHANGE)

Attention Catch the Spin employees -

We are now entering the final phase of preparations for the site update planned for midnight tonight. This is when we will pull down the site for back-ups and will throw back some drinks for good times. Our readers will feel slighted and betrayed during our down time so we must make the most of it.

All employees should be physically and mentally prepared to drink and work like they have never done before. We expect heavy drinking and hard working during this event. Below are a few simple rules for the event:

• Make sure the coffee pot is thoroughly cleaned and the paper filters are properly stacked next to the sink. As you know, management prefers us to keep a fresh pot brewing throughout the night.
• Customer Service Department: all vacation requests for this week and next have been denied. There is too much work to do to take a vacation. Management feels working here is a vacation!
• The little brown pills in the kitchen are there to keep you alert and working. Take as many as you need. It would be impossible to overdose on those little pills. For maximum effect you should combine with coffee. You should not crunch and snort the pills. That would be gross.
• Get with your immediate supervisor to establish a good line of sight.
• Know your assignment and get busy.
• Drink as much alcohol as you can, but keep working. Don’t drink so much you pass out and become non productive. If an employee is found passed out the person that finds them should report to management at once to collect a “finders fee”.
• If you drink more alcohol than coffee and feel yourself tiring crunch up 7 of the little brown pills and place the powder under your tongue. You will feel a jolt of energy within seconds. Once you are revived it is ok to continue with the alcohol drinking.
• Despite what the ER doctor said last year, it is ok to combine the little brown pills with alcohol. Johnny (our intern) from last year had a stomach bug, and his trip to the ER during the event was not related to the brown pills or the alcohol.
• The goal is to work as hard as you can for as long as you can. When you need a break go to the break room and grab a handful of brown pills and a tequila shot and then get back to work.
• Everyone must drink! All non-drinkers will be docked 5 days of pay and laughed at. We want people to have a good time and will not stand for non drinking buzz kills.
• Last year, Sam’s eyeglasses were stolen. Whoever stole the glasses can bring them back this year no questions asked. Sam is NOT as productive without his glasses.

Above all, we must strive to make this update effective, fun, and lucrative. The employee, who consumes the largest quantity of brown pills and alcohol, will again be awarded the employee of the year award. Have fun, work hard, be safe, make money and drink more than you have ever have in your whole life!