Symphony Rip Off
I just got back from seeing the symphony and they have added spoons as a musical instrument. I feel ripped off. Instead of violins people were playing the spoons and one old guy was blowing into a jug. What has this world come to?
Holiday Parking Situation Resolved
Today at the local mall I almost got into it with an old lady over a parking space. The lot was packed and I was not about to wait. I saw the old lady sitting in her giant old car with the stupid blinker on (as if she had dibs on the parking spot). I have no respect for old ladies. What good have they ever really done? Nothing! Did they ever fight in the war? Have they survived the wilderness? NO! They have contributed nothing but ask for so much. I have things to do. I whipped my car into the space as soon as the car pulled out. The old lady began honking her horn at me. As I walked by her car I struck the hood with my fist and dented it. She slowly got out and began yelling at me. I do not care old lady…I screamed. I then charged her with my head in the lowered position and butted her in the stomach. She fell to the ground hurt. People gathered and I told them to beat it. One man asked what happened and I told him the old lady got what she deserved……..I have no patience for the old. Anyway, I was in and out in 10 minutes. When I came back out the stupid obsolete lady was still sitting and waiting with her stupid blinker blinking. I purposefully backed out at an angle that would prevent her from getting the spot. Another man got it. I wonder if the old bag is still sitting there with her blinker blinking?
—-Johnny Redcloth
Can Smart People be Taught?
I am beginning to think that it is impossible to teach smart people anything. I work with a bunch of so called smart people and most of them are not willing to listen long enough to learn what they don’t know. They think they know everything because they are professors. They are not nearly as smart as they think. Today I outsmarted three of them by agreeing to something I will never do. They are not good at tracking things though so I am in the clear. Just like I tricked the Dean when he came to my office door by singing loudly I can trick them too. In fact, I have begin to wonder if smart people can learn. Are they willing to learn new things or are they already so smart they have shut themselves off to learning new things? If this is the case they are not smart at all. In fact, once a person chooses to stop learning that person is no longer smart. I am tired of students that think they are already too smart but I am especially sick of the other teachers. There is not one there as smart as me. I could run the place with ease if given the opportunity.
Alone in the Wilderness
My mentor came into my life when I was six years old. He taught me the ways of the wilderness, the arts of tracking and stalking. He taught me survival, how to craft bows and arrows, and how to live in harmony with the earth, but above all he taught me of the peace and spirituality to be found in the wilderness. He became my role model, my big brother. Our friendship grew strong as we roamed through the wilderness, a friendship that only those who share all can know. I sometimes lie awake at night for a long periods of time thinking of the adventures that that I have had in the wilderness. I enjoy setting out on my own to find solace in some quiet spot where I can be alone with my thoughts. I also love a fresh kill.
—-Johnny Redcloth
Coffee Truck
This morning while commuting to school I saw something odd. A pilot gas truck passed me and it was carrying coffee. The back of it read “best coffee on the interstate” Pilot. I have never had a cup of pilot coffee but would have a hard time believing that coffee shipped in such bulk (already made) would be any good. Also, another thing that concerned me was a caution/explosive sign on the back. How could the best coffee on the interstate be explosive? Also, does each station have a holding tank for the coffee or does the driver just fill a couple of pots at each location? If the latter is true how would this be cost effective? I have lots of questions.
Happy Thanksgiving Homeless Bums
This morning I woke up early and went to the university to print about five hundred flyers announcing a free hot thanksgiving lunch for the homeless. “Tired of the shelter food” it read. Join us for lunch today then I gave the Dean’s home address.
Happy Thanksging Dean you home owning bum. Happy Thanksgiving homeless bums.
Meet Johnny Redcloth
I want to take a couple of minutes and explain something about our newest author Johnny Redcloth. Johnny is a great man, and a tremendous author. He is one of the nicest men I know. He seems to be slightly misunderstood and has already started butting heads with a couple of you (authors and readers). While he admits to eating dogs in the wilderness let me assure you it must have been for survival reasons only. I have known him for a long time and never known him to eat a dog (at least I have never seen him eat one). He is a great man and I hope everyone will give him a chance here on the Spin. He is rough around the edges but give him some time and you will grow to appreciate him and his wisdom as I have.
Thanks for stopping by——Dan
Sick of These Homeless Bums
I am damn sick of these homeless bums panhandling in my street. Look at this recent blog about these scammers. http://blogs.nybooks.com/post/254326291/homeless-on-the-home-front
I have seen my share of the streets as a college professor…trust me. I’ve been homeless. And I am continuously amazed how often being homeless is tied to asking for money. I was homeless for 17 hours while I waited for keys to my new beach house. I chose not to pan handle though. I did not want to bother people. I was hungry now that I think about it. I could have dropped a dime for a snack but I wanted to save my money for dinner. Mob mentality.
Succeed on Black Friday
Black Friday (busiest retail shopping day of the year) is the Friday after Thanksgiving, where it is the beginning of the traditional Christmas shopping season. On this special day, it is not uncommon to see shoppers lined up hours before stores with big sales open. Shoppers often rush, grab, push and lunge as many stores have only a few of the big draw items. Some people choose to camp out or get to the store the night before, but you don’t need to do that.
Follow these simple steps and you will certainly experience a successful Black Friday:
1. Plan to get to the store at least 10 minutes before the doors open.
2. Wear close toed shoes. Flip flops and high heeled sandals make look more attractive than bulky rubber soled shoes or boots, but offer little protection from the stampede.
3. Move slowly and deliberately to the front of the line. Act as though you are looking for someone. If you have access to a small child, send them up to the front of the line to “look” for you. You then, go to the front of the line to “look” for them. This has to be timed appropriately though so do your research and know when the store opens. You want to time it so you and they child are at the front of the line just as the doors open.
4. Keep focused on the other shoppers as you make your way to the front of the line. You need to scope the crowd to anticipate their moves.
5. As the doors open go swiftly to the items you pre determined you would buy. As soon as the Black Friday adds come out, look at them and map your destinations. Call the stores you plan to visit ahead of time with list in hand ask which isle and shelf each item is located on. This is important and will save you valuable time.
6. Go for the biggest saving items first. These are normally bait and switch items to get you in the store and they will go fast.
7. Stay focused on the task at hand and visualize success. Success is defined as getting that cheaper than dirt gift that will surely be returned by the recipient the day after you give it to them.
8. Stay alert! Drink plenty of coffee before and during the shopping event.
9. Wrap your arms tightly around small children you are carrying. Shopping carts and strollers should be avoided because they restrict mobility and slow you down.
10. Stay on the edge of the isle and move swiftly from side to side so you appear larger than you are. If you are wearing a jacket, flap your arms like a chicken. This will make you seem larger than you really are, and will thwart other shoppers from getting too close.
11. As you approach the item stay calm and move with precise movements. You don’t want someone to see you going for the item as it may be the last. If it is the last item, run at it as fast as you can and grab it. If the item is on the floor or a low shelf, be prepared to belly slide.
12. Tuck it under your arm like it is a football. This will protect the item from getting knocked out of your hand. Take it and run with it clutched tightly under your arm to the register. Remember, it belongs to the store until it is purchased. Just because someone is holding an item or carrying it in their cart, you can take it if you think you could get to the checkout stand more swiftly than they.
13. Check out and go quickly to your car. Lock the item in your trunk and then go back in for the second item on your list.
Happy shopping and good luck!
Transparency
Today I attended a lecture by the Dean about transparency. He is a lousy speaker and after the lecture I told him that. I also told him that I hate the way he smiles. Now I am in trouble. So much for transparency. Next time he should lecture on lying.
Stupid Culture
You ever get the feeling that no matter how much sense something makes an organization’s culture trumps common sense? I do. I am sick of trying to force change. There has to be a place with better systems in place that takes full advantage of technology. Do you work in a progressive place like I describe or one with deep cultural roots that blind them to the fact that they are dying?.
Dark Thoughts
Violent images, scenes or articles can trigger worrisome thoughts. I’m just confused to what extent those thoughts are normal. Reflecting upon myself…..which I often do. Occasionally I read or think about bad or violent situations and wonder what leads people to doing these things, because I don’t know, I often worry that someday I may go crazy and hurt someone. I scare myself when I think about what I am capable of doing.
Sometimes I worry that in my sleep anger or frustrations from the day may cause me to hurt someone. I would like to think that I would never hurt anyone, but accept the fact that I might. I don’t get anxious really and I never ever act on my thoughts because I know right from wrong and know the repercussions. Is it normal to project worrisome thoughts and doubt your sanity?
—-Johnny Redcloth
Paycheck
I called the lousy Dean today to collect my paycheck. He left it at the office which really irritates me. The dencent thing would have been for him to take it with him and hook up with me over the weekend. I can’t believe they let this fool run the school.
Get Out Of Meetings
Today I did not want to meet with one of my students so I sat in my office singing at the top of my lungs. It worked. She eventually left without being seen. The Dean has asked for a meeting with me. I am going to try the same strategy with him to see if he will leave without being seen. I hate our Dean.
My paycheck
The University I work for has changed policy on faculty paychecks. Now instead of going to see Sylvia we have to go to the docks across town at night to pick up our checks from a guy named Pedro. Last night I went and there was gun fire. I don’t need the money today because I don’t live check to check but I earned the money. I am thinking about hiring a guy to get my check monthly. Also, I am now using twitter for the first time. follow me at www.twitter.com/catchthespin
Sick of Status Quo
How many of you have developed coping skills to deal with the status quo? I am sick of it. I am sick of people not showing up prepared.
When Someone Chokes
What You Need to do When Someone Chokes at Your House This Year at Thanksgiving
1. Stay Sharp! Move swiftly from side to side and remember that victims ALWAYS panic and intentionally strike out. They will try to hit you so be prepared to hit back. Think of this as a friendly boxing competition and be prepared to level your opponent.
2. The first blow should be hard and directly to the victim’s throat. Once you establish that the victim is choking hit quick and hard!
3. Stand in front of the victim when delivering the punch to the throat. Once the throat punch is administered move quickly behind the victim and deliver a blow to the center of the victim’s back.
4. Once you have delivered the punch to the center of the victim’s back, wrap your hands around the victim’s throat and apply firm pressure (as if giving a bear hug).
5. Make a fist with your right hand and strike it firmly on the back of the victim’s neck. This move should dislodge any bones or wood that may be lodged in the victim’s throat.
6. If the victim is still choking, grab the victim with your left hand and turn them to face you while thrusting your fist inwards and upwards forcefully to the stomach.
7. Repeat steps (1-6) until the victim is able to breathe again, or until the victim is pronounced dead (whichever comes first).
It takes practice to perfect this technique. I would suggest getting a close friend or family member to agree in advance to letting you practice on them. It would be better to have properly trained for the choking than to just sit back and watch helplessly as a loved one chokes to death.
General Rules for Holiday Safety
· Keep matches, torches, jars of gasoline soaked rags, molitov cocktails, lighters, and candles out of the reach of small children (under the age of 3).
· Avoid smoking heavily near flammable decorations. You can smoke around them but be careful.
· Make an emergency plan to use when a fire breaks out anywhere in the home. See that each family member knows what to do. PRACTICE THE PLAN DAILY AT ALL HOURS!
· Avoid wearing loose flowing clothes—particularly long, open sleeves—near open flames – such as those of a fireplace, torch, jar of gasoline soaked rags, molitov cocktails, stove, or candlelit table. If your sleeve catches fire swiftly remove your shirt and get outside as you have practiced.
· Decorations must be of flameproof or flame-resistant materials or be sprayed with a flame-retardant chemical. Please note: when using the flame retardant chemical use EXTREME caution as the chemical is highly flammable while wet and can explode while being applied. If the chemical is sprayed into your eyes you surely will be blinded on contact.
· Never burn candles or torches near evergreens. Burning evergreens in the fireplace can also be hazardous. When dry, greens burn like tinder. Flames can flare out of control, and send sparks flying into a room, or up the chimney to ignite creosote deposits. If your roof catches fire, get out quickly as you have practiced.
· Plan for safety. Remember, there is no substitute for common sense. Look for and eliminate potential danger spots near candles, torches, jars with gasoline soaked rags, molitov cocktails, fireplaces, trees, and/or electrical connections.
How to Prevent a Christmas Tree Fire
Christmas trees while pretty are extremely flammable even with the proper precautions are taken.
Here are a few tips to help reduce your risk of harm this year:
- Select a fresh tree. To get the freshest tree, cut it yourself. Go to a tree lot and take your saw. Cut the tree down and take it back to desired location.
- Spray the tree completely with flame retardant spray. Please note: when using the flame retardant chemical use EXTREME caution as the chemical is highly flammable and can explode while being applied. If chemical is sprayed into eyes you will surely be blinded on contact.
- Place the tree at least three inches away from a fireplace, radiator, or other heating source.
- Unplug and completely remove all tree lights when not in use. It is a lot of extra work to completely remove all of the strands, but will provide the maximum level of safety.
- Do not place lit candles, torches or molitov cocktails on or near the tree.
- Do not leave the tree unattended. If you plan to be away from home plan to have someone come sit with the tree.
Have a safe and care-free Christmas this year!
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